i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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