i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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