If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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