I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.