you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.