why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.