I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
