Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
