My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
