wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
