I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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