All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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