my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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