i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
