I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
