barbara walters just said penis...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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