My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I have tasted many bathrooms
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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