A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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