I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
