I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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