She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
