true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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