level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
