Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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