I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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