you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
