I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
