I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
