Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
