I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.