totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
