census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
