A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
why do cheetos always look like penises
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He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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