"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
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found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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