apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
