see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
