fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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