Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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