i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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