she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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