I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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