there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
