you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Bring me that man meat
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
