You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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