So drunk, too bad you don't want this
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
