How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
