I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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