she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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