i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
