Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His nipple licking is glorious
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
