This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
