smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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