No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
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Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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