fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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