Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
