So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
