Define "chronic" masturbator.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
